In the 1990s, if you were looking for edgy fare on network television, you’d be looking at Law & Order, My So-Called Life, or NYPD Blue. In fact, you’d probably hit Animaniacs or The Magic School Bus before even considering the popular Western drama Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. The series, which ran on CBS for 6 seasons between 1993 and 1998, stars Jane Seymour as the titular Dr. Michaela Quinn, aka “Dr. Mike,” a female physician who sets up a practice in the town of Colorado Springs. The series is as squeaky-clean and family-friendly as they come, in the vein of predecessors like The Waltons or Little House on the Prairie. But imagine if Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman was as edgy and dark as, say, Breaking Bad. What would that look like? Well, imagine no more, as Funny or Die pulled the original cast together to picture what such a scenario would look like, in 2014’s short “Dr. Quinn, Morphine Woman.”
What Is “Dr. Quinn, Morphine Woman” About?
The short begins with a very Hallmark-style shot of Seymour’s Quinn and Joe Lando‘s Byron Sully in costume, laughing together, behind the title Dr. Quinn’s Return to Television before shifting focus to Seymour herself, who starts by saying, “When they first came to me with the idea of rebooting Dr. Quinn, I was excited.” The punchline is set up immediately by Lando, who stresses, “We knew we couldn’t just bring back the same beloved ’90s family drama. We’d have to reinvent it for the Netflix generation.”
Cue the joke, which hinges on the premise of the reboot. See, Dr. Quinn has been prescribing nothing but morphine, in addition to cocaine and whiskey, to her patients in the years following the series finale, and in doing so, has turned the entire town of Colorado Springs into addicts. As the premise is being laid out, Dr. Quinn is seen walking down the road toward the camera, her face hidden by her hat. The camera settles into a close-up of Quinn as she tilts her head upwards, revealing the Walter White-type glasses she now wears. Fitting, now that she is a drug lord, going by the moniker Dr. Quinn, Morphine Woman.
‘Dr. Quinn, Morphine Woman’ Is a Hilarious Send-Up of Two Iconic Series
Just in case you didn't know what Dr. Quinn, Morphine Woman was parodying, a title card appears in the familiar table of elements style of Breaking Bad that reads Dr. Quinn. What follows is a send-up of both shows, with the townspeople banging on Dr. Quinn's practice door, demanding more morphine. Shots of Dr. Quinn mixing her morphine mirror similar shots of Bryan Cranston's Walter White doing the same. Even Breaking Bad's Skinny Pete (Charles Baker) makes an appearance, helping Dr. Quinn with her morphine mixology. As one person says, "This ain't your mama's Dr. Quinn," a point that's driven home in the short's most maniacal moment, as a sadistic Quinn forces her patient, a man with a sliver, to take morphine, smiling at having hooked another soul.
Former cast talk about being impressed with the direction of the new series, although Geoffrey Lower, who plays Rev. Timothy Johnson, admits that he doesn’t get it. Then Quinn, wearing that same wicked smile and holding a gun in her hand, walks slowly towards a man begging for his life, and demands that he say her name, a nod to the fan-favorite Season 5 episode of Breaking Bad, “Say My Name” (which isn’t “woman doctor, doctor woman, you’re the doctor, the doctor woman” that he stammers). By the way, if you’re wondering if Quinn and Sully are still together, they are; only Sully’s hair is much, much longer, not having had it cut since he was last seen in Colorado Springs with her.
Throughout the short, the cast hilariously talks about not understanding how the rebooted series could possibly be compared to Breaking Bad The short leaves off with Seymour talking to the camera with one final “This isn’t Breaking Bad” moment: “This is absolutely original. Nothing like anything you’ve ever seen before. It’s magic!”
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman is available to stream in the U.S. on Prime Video.
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